It’s 5:59 AM, and I’ve been awake for two hours. My mind’s been racing since I opened my eyes. I’ve already walked the dog, downed 30 grams of protein (because some article told me it’s good for me), hit the gym for 30 minutes of “green zone” exercise (apparently great for us cancer survivors), and attempted to lift weights with my “stupid little three-pound weights.”
All the while, I’m trying to listen to podcasts to stay informed, discover new music (because I used to be cool and know about new music, dammit!), and generally keep my shit together. And you know what? I’m exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically.
Then comes the shower – my thinking spot. It’s where all the “great ideas” and overwhelming thoughts collide. How am I going to do all this by myself? Why can’t I be more successful? How do I ask for help? And before I know it, I’m standing there, just really letting it out, ugly crying, snotting, the full experience.
Sound familiar? Welcome to the real world of entrepreneurship (and professional development), folks. It’s messy, it’s overwhelming, and sometimes, it feels like you’re drowning in a sea of self-doubt.
Today, I have a big call with some women from a workforce development initiative. And you know what? I’m totally freaked out. Do I wow them with nifty technology? Just listen? Let them lead? I’ve never worked with the public sector before. I have no idea how they do procurement or if there is even interest in the ways we could help. And there it is – that nagging voice asking, “Am I really even equipped to help anyone?”
Here’s the kicker: I fill my inbox with emails from successful entrepreneurs telling me how “easy” success is. Amy Porterfield, Jenna Kutcher,etc. – they make it sound so simple. But let’s call a thing a thing: it’s not fucking easy. It’s a constant negotiation of trying to keep your head on straight and above water.
For me, my battle with impostor syndrome took on a new dimension after my experience with cancer. I found myself putting even more pressure on myself, imagining everyone thinking, “You’re a survivor, don’t waste any opportunity.” It’s like carrying an extra backpack of bullshit expectations on an already challenging hike.
But here’s what I’ve learned: We’re all figuring it out as we go. It was nice to hear that reinforced in a recent podcast about overcoming imposter syndrome. Ashley Stahl perfectly put it, “It’s really just about creating an ecosystem for yourself that holds you through your pivots.” And holy moly have we pivoted alot in this entrepreneurial journey. In fact, we have tried so many different structures and identies and rebrands in the last five years, I always end up stuck when trying to explain what we do. Hence, the panic of trying to get involved with a new government initiative.
Tori Dunlap hit the nail on the head when she said that women tend to think, “I’m not an expert, and I need to be an expert.” Which, she says, “…that’s the imposter syndrome kicking in, and I think especially for women, as we’ve been told, you either do it perfect, or you don’t do it at all. And that’s just not true.”
Yep – I feel that for sure. But then there are moments where I am feeling so damned empowered and confident that I could take on the world. It’s the yo-yo-ing back and forth that gets me. So, how do I deal? I’m still figuring it out, but here’s what I’m trying: I’m working on acknowledging these feelings without letting them paralyze me. I’m trying to reframe my self-talk (still a work in progress!). I’m trying to step back enough to see a broader perspective of what constitutes success for me. And, I’m reminding myself that I’m not alone in this.
Oh and, I’m going to start trying the route of actual authenticity. For years, I’ve worried that speaking honestly about the challenges we face personally and in our business would somehow disqualify me from helping others. But you know what? It’s the opposite. Being real about the hard parts is what actually helps people. I think I’m maybe craving a little more realness in the content I consume, so that’s what I want to put out there.
I see all of these women talking about how they’ve walked through the fire to achieve what they wanted to (which I totally love and I’m not knocking), but I’d love a little info about how many glasses of wine it took to decide what they wanted, how many shower cries happened before they figured out what fire was worth walking through. You know, the real shit.
So, that’s where I’m at: It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to try thirty tactics to unfuck your brain before you sit down to work some mornings. It’s okay to feel like you’re doing all the things, all the time and still failing.
But try not to lean into that too hard (because that’s not helpful either). Earlier this week, I was listening to Brooke Castillo’s podcast where she was talking about being mindful of how you talk to yourself. Essentially, you have to say and hear things in your head, so indulging in self-criticism is a double whammy of you yelling at yourself and also being yelled at. Talk about a mindfu**!
She suggested making a list of the things that you say to yourself when you’re feeling like a failure and starting to vent to yourself in a negative way (I’ll spare you that ugly piece of work), then she said to make a list of what you’d want to hear. To be honest, it sounded a little woo-woo, but here’s my list:
- You deserve to be in this world.
- You are here to do amazing things and capable of that.
- You are worthy.
- You are healthy. You are healed.
- You are successful.
- You’re doing everything you can.
- You are only getting better.
- You are exactly where you need to be in this moment.
- It’s not your fault.
I was surprised by my list because I’d never considered such a thing. Needless to say, it was a bit of an a-ha for me (my therapist on the other hand was like…duh). So I guess what I’m saying is that we’re all out here trying to do something a little better, a little more efficiently, using whatever tools and approaches we can cobble together. That’s the real world of entrepreneurship and professional development (or maybe just being a human) – messy, challenging, but ultimately rewarding.
If you want to get weird with me and try some of this stuff out for yourself, feel free. I’d say take a moment to write down what you actually say to yourself when you’re in the throes of self-doubt. Then, write down what you’d like to hear instead. What do you need to tell yourself in those moments?
If you’re comfortable, share your list in the comments. Or keep it private – whatever feels right for you. Maybe if we start recognizing these patterns and working on changing them.
Remember, some mornings are better than others. Just getting this out there has already made me feel better. As Liz Gilbert says, “onward.”
PS – The meeting went well.
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